It has been a long time since I posted my last blog post and just typing this seems really odd to me. I feel rusty and not quite sure where to start. My last post was almost 10 months ago. I posted about choosing to be home with my family instead of going back out into the workforce and what that takes in effort for me. The last 10 months have not been easy. I have stumbled and gotten back up over and over. I have wished I was working many times. I have also been thankful for being home and being here for my kids moments many times. Finding a balance for a mother is hard and some of the biggest news since I posted last is that we are expecting baby boy #4. That is right.
This came as a huge surprise to us. We believed that our family was complete. I was sure that I would not want to give birth again after my last being 11lbs and 14oz. We were preventing. I cried for a couple of weeks but then I held out for the hope that just maybe this was a gift from the universe and I might just be having the little girl I always wanted. When I found out that was not the case it was even harder to carry this baby. All the aches and pains became worse. The thought of going through labor and delivery of another giant baby became harder to process. I’m having another giant boy. It has already been confirmed. I am now on a special low carb diet so that I can try to do something to limit his weight gain. This makes this pregnancy even less fun. No ice cream or any of the other food I crave.
Since mom died over 2 years ago I have struggled with my faith. When I found out I was pregnant this time the thought that I might be getting a little girl resparked my faith for a little time, sort of holding out hope that maybe mom sent me the little girl I always longed for. But when I found out that this was a little boy my faith crumbled again. I love my boys. I would never return them. I’m sure that this is a blessing and I just haven’t seen it yet. Maybe this child will be the easiest kid ever. Maybe labor and delivery will be no problem unlike last time. Maybe this will be the kid that sleeps through the night sooner than age 2. Maybe…….. But I’m not holding my breath because this is a human child that is born to me and the likelihood that he will be that much more different than my other children is slim to none.
I turned 34 yesterday and I had told myself that I would not have more children after the age of 32. I’m only 2 years younger than my mom was when she had me. Mom has been at all my births until now. Now she is gone. Now my husband and I need to do this on our own. Now I need to put my big girl pants on and face the music. My baby is due on Dec. 9th and my babies have all been at least 5 days past due so I will have a newborn this Christmas. Still bonding. Still getting breastfeeding down. Usually at 2-3 weeks my nipples are cracked and bleeding. I worry about making this Christmas magical for my children. I worry about a lot of things having this 4th child in 7 and a half years. I worry about my abilities to keep up and meeting everybody’s needs. There is only one of me and now a 4th child and a husband that really need my attention and my love.
|New baby clothes from Target|
|Knitting a little jump suit for the belly dweller.|
I am trying hard to do things to bond and make sure that I greet this baby with open arms and an open heart. I have gone to therapy to work through my feelings, I have done some shopping since I had gotten rid of All of the baby stuff we had and Alex had outgrown before we found out that we were expecting again. I try to appreciate those belly moments where he is active and be thankful for all the other great things in my life. I know as soon as he is in my arms I will love him as much as I have loved all of my children. Thank goodness for my bodies ability to form bonding chemicals. I become that crazy mom that can’t let my baby out of my sight and you better not touch it with out asking permission first unless you are family.
I will end this post here. I could go on and on about how rough the summer was being pregnant with 3 small boys and the pelvic pain that started in the 3rd month but I believe that you get the point. As much as children are a blessing being a parent is hard and being pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy and having 3 other young boys is really hard. Especially when you don’t have a village.
What are your struggles at the moment and how are you being mindful and working in a direction of healing and happiness?